First Date Carnage
Geplaatst op 03-04-2025
Categorie: Lifestyle
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Last night I went on a first date with a, umm…. very *interesting* girl. It was the first time I’ve been on a first date where I ended up bleeding profusely from my face while she stood over me laughing maniacally. I’m just thankful I survived to tell the tale.
I met this girl on Loveawake. Months ago. And for some reason our emails to each other were always several weeks apart. Eventually we talked enough crap about who could win at the batting cages that we decided a date was more or less necessary. To satisfy our own egos if nothing else.
Don’t ask me how, but before we ever met, we ended up betting a private jet ride to Cancun for the weekend on whoever connected with the most pitches. I don’t think either of us can afford that, so whenever we do get around to settling the score, things may get awkward.
Anyway, we went out for sushi.
SIDENOTE: The older I get, the more a love for all things sushi becomes an incredibly important requirement for somebody to be soul mate material. In case my soul mate is out there taking notes.
And there we were at Tsunami, my favorite sushi restaurant simply because it’s the only one close by. The first thing I noticed was how hungry she was. She ordered not just one, but two of the most deluxe, most expensive, most-laced-with-gold sushi rolls ever. And a giant bowl of edamame.
“You must be hungry,” I giggled nervously as I studied the menu for something tiny to offset her extreme appetite.
“So, you’re profile says you’re into yoga,” she said right after she’d ordered.
I looked down at my sucked-in fat belly that was bulging over my pants. “Uhhh, hmmm, ummm, yeah… I did Bikram yoga a few times and loved it.” I had no idea how into yoga she was at that point. “But it doesn’t say ‘into it.’ It says I liked it. Cause I did like it. And I wanna look trendy and cool to the ladies.”
I wasn’t impressing her.
I buried my nose back in my menu, searching for something that would now both offset her order and make me a skinny yoga guy by the end of the night.
“I’ll take some Splenda packets,” I told the waitress. Wrapped in seaweed. If the seaweed is free.”
“Not too hungry tonight?” My date started laughing.
I looked down at my bulging muffin top again. For some reason it wasn’t getting any smaller since the last time I looked. I was starving to death.
“Nope, not much appetite.”
Now fast forward the date a little. Things got warmer and warmer. We were laughing. Having a good time.
“Ding dong,” she said.
“What was that?” I started laughing.
“Ding dong.” She was referring to the male organ. Don’t ask. I’m sure it was scientific. Or medical. Or something completely non-perverted.
“Did you really just call it a ding dong?”
She looked at me like I was way behind the times. “Uh, yeah, what else would you call it?”
“I don’t know. Not a ding dong. Unless you’re six. And it’s the eighties. That’s a little daffy.”
“Did you just say daffy?” She started laughing.
“Yeah, so. What’s wrong with the word daffy?”
“Nobody uses the word daffy.”
“Sure they do,” I said with a belligerent huff.
“Nope.”
“Well I do. Because it was literally the only word in the English language that fits your usage of the word ding dong. I mean, come on. That’s just plain daffy.”
Her laughter intensified.
And she couldn’t stop laughing.
And it got worse.
And worse.
And worse.
And then I dipped my straw in my water, pressed my thumb into the top of it and held it up in front of her face. I made a slight flicking motion toward her suddenly not so laughing face to motion that I intended to splash her with water.
“I’ll do it,” I said.
“No you wouldn’t.” Her body tensed. Her hands came up, ready to defend herself.
Then, I settled back and sucked the water out of my straw.
Except she didn’t know that I didn’t suck the water out of my straw.
And she put her hands down.
And her body de-tensed.
And…
I flicked my straw full of water right at her unsuspecting face.
Let’s just say, I got her.
Real good.
“YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT!” she said laughing again.
“Oh, I did. What are you going to do about it?”
SIDE NOTE: At this point the restaurant was empty except for us. We had officially become the people the workers hate because we wouldn’t pick up on all their hints and just leave.
“What am I going to do about it?” She was searching for something. Anything. And found nothing. The restaurant people had already cleared our table in their haste to get out of there.
“That’s right,” I said as I lifted another straw full of water from my drink, this time not thinking about anything but drinking the water from it.
I put the end of the straw into my mouth and just as I started sucking the water from it, my date’s bear claw swung across the table in an attempt to knock it out of my hand, thus leaving me wet the way I had left her.
Except… what she wanted to happen didn’t quite happen.
And the straw stabbed clean-through the inner lining of my mouth.
And I think I passed out.
And when I woke up, she was standing over me, laughing maniacally. Pointing.
Laughing.
Pointing.
“Um, I think I’m bleeding,” I said as victimized as I could possibly make myself.
“What? No you’re not!” Still laughing.
I reached my finger into my mouth and pulled it out again. It was coated in a thick smear of black blood.
“You are such a liar! That is not blood!” Still laughing.
I wiped it on the napkin.
“How do you fake blood?”
“That is not blood!” She screeched again, still laughing.
I stuck my finger in my mouth and pulled out more evidence. “My gingivitis isn’t that bad,” I laughed back.
And suddenly the lights went off. And we heard a few clicks. And we looked at each other in the dark of the restaurant.
And we hurried and giggled our way out to the parking lot together where I told her, “you owe me.”
So she gave me a kiss on the now wounded cheek so that I could send the picture to my buddy who was over at the bowling alley, requesting our presence for some “beer bowling” (whatever that is).
I sent him the picture and said, “sorry bro. Having too much fun.”
And that was that.
It was a rather daffy night indeed.
PS. Any of you ever had a first date end in carnage? What’s the funniest thing that’s happened to you on a date?